I notice this is written on the cover of my new notebook and it feels so appropriate. It’s been a rough couple of weeks, heavy emotionally, psychologically, mentally, spiritually, physically…you name it. Not just for me, but seemingly for everyone around me. These are bizarro ‘what are you made of’ kind of defining times.
Yet, in the midst of even the most ungrounding, disappointing and depressing moments there have been pockets of pure unadulterated and unexpected joy. Bright sparkly points of light in a gloomy season and they are giving me Life. Moments like walking out onto my tiny balcony, that has no view to speak of except for sky (which works for me because i love sky), to my tiny ghetto garden space to discover that my daisy plant is blooming. Not just one flower at a time but a riot of daisies all at once, bringing sunshine into even the rainiest of days. In the cat grass I planted for my kitty companions, a fully opened fuchsia pink petunia that I did not plant randomly appears. I couldn’t help but say a silent “thank you”. Nature is full of such gifts. A sunset or sunrise. A peak of the moon behind clouds. An interesting cloud formation. Bird song, or a cool breeze after a punishingly hot day, or the silhouette of a willow tree at dusk, I can go on and on. These moments have kept me going, beautiful reminders of how generous life is at all times if I can just shift my perspective or my gaze to focus on something else.
In the shower earlier, I had a realization. We all sometimes act like what I would describe as the Capital Letter version of ourselves, when we are our most peaceful, reasonable, zoomed-out, connected, faithful and trusting selves, filled with love and compassion. Then at other times, it’s all about the lower case version of us, where analysis/paralysis reigns, as well as taking ourselves too seriously, feeling stressed out, anxious, fearful and being critical little dictators of shit disturbing. At all times, I am aware that my Capital version is loving and understanding patiently in the background, while my lower case version is attempting to spin me in endless circles like a ‘still loading’ icon. Then my thought was, when it comes to interpersonal relationships, it would be helpful to be aware of who is driving before I engage in big conversations, decision making and even simple interactions. Lower case me can be a real asshole. Best to put the phone down when she’s running the show. Wait for my Capital self to show up. If I care about my people,(which I do) I can try to be my best for and with them. This is, in my eyes, what love can choose to do. I know it won’t always be possible, my lower case gremlin needs her expression, growth and lessons so I have to let her out to play too. Balance.
Regardless of who shows up, there are always moments of light, clarity, joy, pleasure, fun and laughter, and they are everything. They are happening in the midst of exhausting and stressful long days when I am feeling annoyed, triggered, angry or just plain fed up. I lift my head for a moment to look out the window and find the sky in surprising shades of pastel that makes me pause in awe for a moment. Or I take a sip of a delicious, exactly-how-I-like-it cup of coffee on a sleepy morning when I’m not ready to face the day, that causes me to involuntarily close my eyes and savour it a little deeper. These are the gifts, the little things we each get to enjoy, every single day no matter what else is going on. I’m grateful that it was brought to my attention this morning as a reminder that the Divine is always demonstrating that Love is here, now, in every moment if we choose to see it. Within and without.
the lily and rose
featured photo by Malen Almonacid Trossi
